Satisfaction

Today I gave a talk at a career panel for people interested in LGBTQ advocacy. Afterward a young trans person came up to me and wanted to talk about what to do when you were the first trans person, how do you balance taking care of yourself and trying to make it better for the next person.

I was surprised at how embodied my answer was.

First I said that it sucks to be in that situation. It sucks if you're good at handling it and it sucks if you're not. It just sucks. It's important to acknowledge that.

Then I talked about giving yourself space. You don't have to deal with everything. You don't have to deal with everything as it occurs. You don't have to know the answer. You can approach it from a place of discovery.

Then I talked about it being okay to feel good about when you do say the right thing or make progress. That you can really feel that satisfaction in your body. That you don't have to deny it or go on to the next thing.

I'm reading the book Virology and it's weird to see all the things that usually bounce around my head but from someone else's head, like someone had shaken up all the random stuff in my head and tossed them out in a different order, a different constellation. Epidemiologic risk. Biological metaphors. Covid. HIV. Susan Sontag. Paul Monette. Audre Lorde. Pamela Sneed. Sometimes I'd be thinking of a particular connection with someone's work or a particular idea and then he'd make that very connection on the next page.

I want my book to be that for someone. The book they need to read. The weirdness in their head kaleidoscopically reshuffled and presented from a new angle.